I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
