ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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