So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
