Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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