We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
