Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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