I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
