I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
