Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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