Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
