Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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