Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Randomize
