I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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