So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
