how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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