Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
