woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
