well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
