He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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