I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
