I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
