Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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