we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
