problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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