If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
