If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
