Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
