Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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