I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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