Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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