I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
