I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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