dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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