It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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