The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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