She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
