anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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