sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
