Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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