nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
