Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
