I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize