I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
