I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
