well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
