it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
