he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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