I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
