Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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