not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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