Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
