I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
