I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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