my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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