when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
