he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize