Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
babies were throwing up all over the place
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She bit a glass in half.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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