Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Who died my cat blue again?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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