It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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