it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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